Move Me

Leaving for Uganda, Africa tomorrow night and I’m not at all ready for this trip. As usual, I’m just about to pack my things tonight. But since I’ve traveled so much because of my work I can consider myself as an able packer.

I failed to write blog entries the past week due to my very busy schedule, so I’m taking this chance to update you guys. At least to those very few who follow the drama in my life.


This was written on a scratch paper last Sunday, Nov 16, 2008 with my usual Café Latte in Starbucks, Rockwell Mall.

-o-

There are moments in life that can leave you wondering for days, weeks, months or sometimes, even years. And while some take their sweet time wondering and asking, I have fully decided to take action and try to take control over my seemingly chaotic life. I just want to try and be truly happy and I sincerely hope that my plans in the very near future can make that happen. After all, as I’ve already mentioned in my previous blog entry, happiness is but a series of correct choices. Let me just hope that this is one of many more to come.

There are several factors that I would consider why I felt so unhappy for the longest time. And this is not only because I’ve been single for a long time but I feel my life now is not going in the direction that I want or at least dreamed about. And though I know I have a relatively good life compared to most, I still ask myself what led to my unhappiness. Perhaps one big factor would be that I was too lazy to follow my dreams however ridiculous it may have been.

I have always been known as a jack-of-all-trades, master-of-none. I am proud to say that I am quite talented (Ahem! Ahem!). I sing, dance, write, cook, paint, and draw. I can also take relatively good photographs – out of sheer passion for it. I know how to even process them. I can even wash the dishes, take out the garbage, clean the house (including the toilet) and wash and iron clothes. See, I can be a good house partner, I’m all-around. HE-HE!

But I remember when I was younger I was very much a different person. I used to be more carefree, jollier, perkier, and seemingly just living my life as if it were my last day on this planet. I was, as far as I could recall happy(-ier). But perhaps as the years went by in my pretty young life, problems, challenges, and all sorts of trials and tribulations robbed me of my child-like, not-a-care-in-the-world type of personality. I became less innocent and more malibog, (horny) este malishyoso pala (full of malice). The innocence slowly died when I reached puberty. I am no psychoanalyst or psychologist but I believe that no one can understand yourself better than you. And while most of my childhood friends would tell me that I never changed, I feel I did. But come to think of it, don’t we all change as the years go by and circumstances in our life force us to be different?

And so, in my attempt to find my old self or who knows even find a new me, I had to make certain decisions that I know will help me grow as a person.

I am moving out of my (family’s) house … soon, very soon!

I have lived my entire life there and though I love them very much, it’s just getting tiring to quarrel with your siblings every now and then. And then there are all the house rules that need to be followed. No, I am not moving out to be free from these rules. Well, okay fine, part and partial of the reason is that but not entirely. I am turning 27 very soon and I believe I am old enough to experience what it is like to live by myself. I’ve known even some who started during college and I believe those people are more matured and responsible in a way. I think I’m ready, but if I’m wrong then it’s about time I find out and prove otherwise.

Sure it’s practical to live with your family, less expenses, less responsibilities, and basically more convenient. But somehow, practically is over-ruled by (my) need. I need to grow. I need to prove something to myself and maybe to the rest of the world.

I know it will be difficult. I’ve already psyched myself about that, the long and lonely nights, the boredom, the financial struggles and everything else unexpected. But I still want to do it. Let me experience first hand how hard this would be and then I could say, even if I don’t succeed, I tried.

I am clearing my debts in a few months, the two credit cards and money loan will be forever gone, hopefully before the year ends. I want to start fresh. I will even learn to budget and commute (– I know how to, I just don’t like it. I take a taxi almost everyday). Goodbye convenience and kaartehan, Hello hardships and lessons! I am not about to say I could do it but it’s about time I did.

Fingers-crossed (and even including eyes, legs and arms) with a lot of prayers and strong will, correct judgments and even a little help from Mama and other friends, I hope this move will prove to be correct.

Let me be happy, even if I fail trying.